Dana Scully's Diary Pilot
by Kamakaze1978
Summary: In the style of Bridget Jones's Diary, Dana K. Scully takes us through her first assignment with Agent Mulder. This is not meant to be a serious look at this character, but parodies two of my favourites -- Bridget Jones's Diary and the X-Files.


****

"Pilot"  
by Kam1978  
**(Day One)**  
  
YAY!  
  
Now have permanent fabulous job with FBI. Am FBI Goddess. Am Special Agent Dana Scully. Will not spend rest of my life cutting open dead people.   
  
Had wonderful shag last night. Now that have job, will shag even more. Will shag hunky FBI men. Will shag sexy ADs.   
  
May even be given assignment protecting Harrison Ford from crazed fans and will want to shag as a reward.  
  
YAY!  
  
Tomorrow will meet new partner. Wonder if he's shag worthy. Hope is a man. Would hate to work with another woman.  
  
Must go shopping to find proper business suit. Have nothing to wear. Hrmm ... maybe will get hair cut and colored this week.  
  
YAY!  


  
**(Day Two)**  
  
I hate my job.  
  
Met with Chief Blevins for assignment. Had pervy smoking man leering at me. Was told new partner is Fox "Spooky" Mulder. BLERGH! Had heard rumors about Mulder. Loves UFO stuff and porn. Must prove Mulder is nutcase. Perhaps if I just expose his porn collection.  
  
Met Mulder in office. Office smells like cheese. Found Mulder looking at slides of naked women. Mulder said he read my thesis. Uh huh. The thesis I bought from grad student for 200 bucks. Hate Mulder. Wants to go to Oregon to look at freaky teenagers who have bumps on their skin. Ewww. Probably have VD. Mulder might have VD too. Suspect not, perhaps Mulder is still a virgin.  
  
Still, not bad looking. A little dorky. Will take red lace panties just in case Mulder is not virgin and would like to look at real woman instead of pictures.  
  
Off to Oregon.   
  
Yay.   
  
Am not happy. Am not FBI Goddess I thought I was.  
  
**(afternoon)**  
  
Plane en route to Oregon. What the hell is in Oregon?????  
  
Mulder is snoring in next seat. What a loser. Dorky hair cut. Sounds like he has a peanut stuck up his nose.  
  
Oregon. What a funny name. OR-E-GON.  
  
Oooh! Drink cart!  
  
**(a haf an heor latr)**  
  
Ya jknow, Mouldr issnt bad lokin when hes slepn wifh hissa moutdh open. Hass funy lokin tonisil.s. I wondsr what woduld hapen if i pored whiteot downa hia thorat.  
  
Hewehhehwhhew. Hes madd at meeeee now.  
  
Hre Mouldre. Have a druink.  
  
Ooooh. Mouldt dosn't lik it wen u thro emptey druink botls ar hiss hed. Hehehehehe. Putin on earfones. Hehehehehehe. Wondr wuyt hes listewtrwning to.   
  
TUREN IT UP SOS I CAN HERE!!!!!!  
  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Hes listenng to Entya. Enfya. Grrrrr. E N Y A.  
  
Uhoh. Gota pee.   
  
**(late LATE afternoon)**  
  
OH MY F*CKING HEAD!!!!!  
  
Slept rest of plane ride, woke up to find paper clips in my hair. Wow - I really should cut down on my vodka consumption.  
  
Am off to graveyard with Mulder to look at dead body. Should probably avoid food until I'm done. Don't want to puke on Mulder's shoes.   
  
**(Evening)**  
  
Good LORD the sound of Mulder's voice has been getting on my nerves. Doesn't sound like has peanut stuck up nose. Sound like he has a grapefruit stuck up his nose.  
  
Met with impotent coroner. Yelled at Mulder. Hehehehe. Am going to enjoy this job if it means Mulder's humiliation with every case. At grave site did not throw up, though Mulder almost did. Had nerve to argue with me when giving autopsy, then tried to flirt. Felt like sticking his face in dead monkey's armpit.  
  
Oh christ, he's popped by to hit on me. Brb.  
  
Wanted to grope me in bushes, thinly veiled by inquiring about oversized booger in corpse's nose.  
  
Need more vodka. I swear I'll quit drinking.  
  
Tomorrow.  


  
**(DAY 3)**  
  
**(afternoon)**  
  
I'm never EVER smoking pot again. Billy Miles looked like he smokes too much pot, is now a vegetable. Being a vegetable would really cramp my social life. Mulder found pimples on girl's back, acted like he was genius over discovering teenage acne. Thinks acne is caused by UFOs. What a moron. Yelled at Mulder. Felt very good about myself. Will treat myself to a cheeseburger later.   
  
Am off to woods with Mulder so he can try and grope me.   
  
Maybe if he brings vodka will let him.  
  
**(Evening)**  
  
Think I know how Billy Miles became pot head. Sheriff -Dad is growing pot in woods, caught us near his stash, pointed big gun at his head.  
  
Mulder tried the old "UFO's made my car stop" crap to get me to park. Have to give him points for originality. However is raving lunatic, more excited about road graffiti than in groping me. Don't know whether to be relieved or insulted.  
  
Itchy back ... can't stop scratching ... GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Space Pimples!!!!  


  
**(DAY 4**)  
  
**(early early early morning)**  
  
Yawn. Had Mulder look at space pimples, partly because I wanted to see if Mulder would grope me. Guess he prefers to look, since he just ogled me and told em they were bug bites. Grrr. Hate bugs. Hate Mulder. Threw myself at him and still no groping. Spent all night talking. Said his sister was abducted. Think he is lying. Also think he is full of himself. And reads too much Star Trek books. Says he has connections. Suuuuuure.   
  
Pot smoking space pimple girl ran in front of truck. Bbl.  
  
P.S. I can't BELIEVE he didn't try to grope me  
  
**(A few hours later)**  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Some bastard set fire to roach motel! My collection of tiny knickers! *SOB*  
  
Want to kick the crap out of Mulder. His fault.   
  
**(too f*cking late)**  
  
Am gonna beat Mulder. Went for coffee with Pot smoking girl #2. Her father is as*hole coroner. He and pot-growing sheriff came along to take her away. Good. She had nosebleed. Bled on my new jeans.   
  
Then Mulder took me to graveyard. Don't ask. STILL didn't grope me. Bastard.   
  
Need sleep.  
  
And new undies.  
  
Going to hospital to look at pot smoking kid. Whoopee.  
  
**(Morning *sob*)**  
  
Yelled at Mulder again. Actually agreed with me. Am dominant woman. Am she lion. I do not need tiny panties!!!!!  
  
Am going to sleep in the car. Don't care if Mulder gropes me or not. Too tired.  


  
**(DAY 5)**  
  
**(evening)**  
  
Almost busted pot growing sheriff, pointed gun at us because we knew about pot smoking son.  
  
Suspect Mulder slipped pot into my coffee. Thought I saw UFO beaming pot smoking son and pot smoking girl #2. Pot smoking boy is now recovered. Am never going to Oregon again. They grow weird sh*t up there. Will stick to vodka and tequila.  
  
Bosses less than happy with me. Yelled at me for submitting report about pot smoking town.  
  
Suspect Mulder fantasizes about me very much. Called me a few minutes ago. Wanted to meet, but suspect wanted to grope. (Hurrah!) But since only have scary stomach-holding-in panties will have to postpone.  
  
Need sleep. Am going to buy more tiny panties tomorrow to replace flammable panties.  
  
Nightie nite


End file.
